What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
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The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking