“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
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Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
thinking about this
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them