“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
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Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
watching gymnastics
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio