Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

“You’d better run, egg!”

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

Stonehinge

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]

10: this is nice dad

me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.

10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?

me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again