What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
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Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry