Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.