Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.