What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
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When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here