What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
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I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning