“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
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I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.