“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
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I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
much to think about
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]