“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
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Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
WWE is French for “yes”
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
