Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.