Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

wtf

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink