Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*