What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
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[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.