Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

🤣

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.