What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
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Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.