What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
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#Caturday
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Genius idea!!
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER