What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
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me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.