Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

oh u like geography? name every lake

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

f*** a break up, have y’all ever had to chase your dog down the street and they’re thinking it’s a game.

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

Noah was an idiot.

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.