Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY