Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

Scream sneezers need love too.

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.