what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
You Might Also Like
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I have many caverns
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date