what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
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Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours