Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

Them: Just act casual
Me:

We’ve all been there

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

*exercises sarcastically*