Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

🧠

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch