What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
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no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
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Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!