What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
You Might Also Like
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.