What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
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aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
is this a warning or an offer?
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.