what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
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Am I having a stroke?
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Aaaa…CHOO!
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Breaking news:
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time