what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
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Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I might give this a try 😏
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.