Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

I don’t believe him.

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.