what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
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I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
look at me when i’m typing to you
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
sistine chapel
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
LOL
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I can also cook 😂
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”