what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
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There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
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Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.