a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
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It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?