what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
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Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.