what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
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If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Pat is about to own someone
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”