what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
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The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Morning.
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”