what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
You Might Also Like
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
A great first step 😂
Who’s ready for Friday?!
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
when you are just born a rebel
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please