what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
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My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel