@pstamato

“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters

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@dxblarssonENG

Riverdance was invented by an Irish family with 7kids but only one toilet.

@Darlainky

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

@BoomBoomBetty

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

@jdforshort

If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert

@TheyCallMeMaaaa

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

@Office_Dolt

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

@anerdonfire2

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

@dafloydsta

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

@ruinedpicnic

me: maybe those nazi salutes… we’re just them reaching for the stars…
McDonald’s manager: this is the fastest I’ve ever fired someone