Riverdance was invented by an Irish family with 7kids but only one toilet.
“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters
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There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
My brothers’ families:
If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G1: “and it stinks”
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
me: maybe those nazi salutes… we’re just them reaching for the stars…
McDonald’s manager: this is the fastest I’ve ever fired someone