@HallpassCanada: For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

@Bob_Janke: A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators

@iamspacegirl: Dog *just lookin at me* Me: go lay down Dog: ok. Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach* Me *wincing*: thank you Cat: damn right thank you

@sevenxx7: Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

@Browtweaten: Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who's the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know Gary 1: You have a fetish for- *BLAM BLAM BLAM* Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary