“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters

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“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
*complete silence*


If there’s a sock on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with the other one.


*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what


An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.


[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please


People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.


ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down


ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer


Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.


You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.


Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.