“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
OH DEAR GOD RUN
“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters
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If there’s a sock on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with the other one.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
ME: but what?
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.