I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
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When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos