what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
My Guy
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative