what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
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If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Story of my life…..
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
