What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
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He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so