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The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.