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me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
Left at a local drug store…
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week