Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.

Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.

Introverts: Praise Jesus!

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.