Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us