Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.