Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

Butt weight. There’s more!

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.