What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
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Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe