@meganamram

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

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@NewDadNotes

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

@YuckyTom

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

@JuliaChildCIA

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

@Freudianscript

My therapist told me that if ignorance is bliss, there’s no reason for me to be on antidepressants.

@platinum2000

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

@JllyJllyFish

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

@LlamaInaTux

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

@Schmoodles

#ThoughtsInMyHead

1. How much wine can a cat drink?

2. How do you resuscitate a drunk cat?

3. Will they do an autopsy on a dead cat?