What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
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My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
This dude got his own movie?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.