Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”

Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.