What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
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Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*