What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
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“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
The fall of Netflix
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.