What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
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Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.