What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
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Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
You fuckers don’t deserve a new year, look at the mess you made of the last one.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.