@longwall26

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

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@DannyEarl

Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming

@DomesticGoddss

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

@Chelsea_Elle

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

@skullpuppy11

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

@WittySassBasket

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

@BlackCheesePie

this is your brain

*points to egg*

but this is your brain ON DRUGS

*puts egg on pile of drugs*

@chancetherapper

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Me: Marijuana is good for my glaucoma.

She: But you don’t have glaucoma.

Me: See?

@JustMeTurtle

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.