Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
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Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
this is your brain
*points to egg*
but this is your brain ON DRUGS
*puts egg on pile of drugs*
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Me: Marijuana is good for my glaucoma.
She: But you don’t have glaucoma.
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!
Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.