What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
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had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man