Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
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ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
no one likes gloating
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said