Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

Lucky for them, they’re cute

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

Why is this me 😫

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

Terribly Tuesday.