What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
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Omg 🤣
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
This took me a second..
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Me too door. Me too.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.