Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

I’m awake but I object,

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.