What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
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I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
This is always good for a laugh.
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
