What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
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My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Hawk o the mornin tuah
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
A short story about romance.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Cat is stressing him out.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.