What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
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My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Oceanography is all about current events
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here