What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
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typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
😅😅😅
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Hear me out: WrestleVania
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me