Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits

Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”