Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.