What if the weather talks about us?
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Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.