@notnotscotty

what if there is no placebo effect and sugar is just really healthy in pill form

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@AlwaysAButt

doctor: you’re gonna need to take probiotics

me: oh i don’t think i can afford that

doctor: don’t worry, there are lower cost options

me: ah, yes. amateur biotics

@UncleDuke1969

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

@ClarkSpringheel

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

@ClichedOut

Exec 1: We gotta improve our company image.
E2: Hey, let’s call customers at home.
E1: At dinner, on Sunday.
E2: But be pushy.
E1: Perfect.

@notviking

me: you wanna hang out later?

her: sorry i don’t talk to guys who are under 6’

me: please mom i miss you

@50FirstTates

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

@katie_abraham

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.