i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
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Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it鈥檚 your turn to hide
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE鈥橲 YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
kid: let鈥檚 go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn鈥檛 have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 馃檪
Me: oh God no
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can鈥檛 explain this 馃槶
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can鈥檛 figure out if you like it or not
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.