doctor: you’re gonna need to take probiotics
me: oh i don’t think i can afford that
doctor: don’t worry, there are lower cost options
me: ah, yes. amateur biotics
what if there is no placebo effect and sugar is just really healthy in pill form
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The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Exec 1: We gotta improve our company image.
E2: Hey, let’s call customers at home.
E1: At dinner, on Sunday.
E2: But be pushy.
me: you wanna hang out later?
her: sorry i don’t talk to guys who are under 6’
me: please mom i miss you
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!
Read to your child.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.