What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
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When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.