What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
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People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
hmmm
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.