Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.